Spanko?

Finally a title that's short and sweet.

I think I'm getting better at coming up with them. I just tell myself to think of a quick summary of what is in your brain.
I guess it all boils down to who's the spanko?

What a fun term, one of course I learned on the internet.

Whatever it is that leads people to come out to one another in this whole thing is very interesting.
I have read a lot about how people have come out and the whys and whens.

For us it seemed to almost evolve over time, like a long time!

I should have maybe known, or maybe I did subconsciously know from the beginning. My hubby has always been quite a butt guy.
Lucky for me because I have a small chest while all the other girls in my family are pretty big. lol

From dating to marriage, he's always wanted his hands on my butt! and we have always had playful pats, sort of in a more joking sportsmanship way.

I think through sexual play is when the first bits of coming out happened for each of us.
He tried it, I didn't mind it. Secretly I was turned on but still never told him exactly how I felt. We were sort of shy with it when we were not behind closed doors in those early years.

I am assuming he felt the same and after 5 long years of marriage he finally mentioned it one day.

We had been drinking and singing karaoke and it was late, like really late 2am late.

We were cracking up over something and had been cuddling on a couch. We were sort of dirty talking to one another and he says something to the effect of smacking my butt because he could tell how much I responded to it when we did play a bit during sex.
Being in the state I was in, I wasn't as shy about it as I normally would be and admitted to loving it.

We played in our own way which was a bit of light spanking and fun during sex for many more years.
But these past five years are when we actually tried experimenting in other areas of play.

One of the aspects of ttwd sort of emerged because of how our relationship was going.
I was the dominant one. I made all the decisions, planned everything and took over.

I don't know what it was that set him off one day, but he told me he'd love to just spank me for something. I think it was my attitude about us going to the in laws? I mostly remember laughing at him and making a face.

That comment didn't really do much for us, but another year later it came up again during an argument.
I got a ticket for speeding and it cost an outrageous amount because I also was not wearing my seat belt.
He was pissed at the cost, and my negligence.

Again he brought up me needing a spanking.
I rolled my eyes at him and dismissed it, but couldn't stop thinking about it.

What would happen if I was spanked for something and not in a bedroom way?
It seemed laughable, but I was also intrigued for some reason. I never really saw him in that way. The idea of him being somehow over me in a way, a way that I would need and or craved him in a dominant light. That wasn't me, or was it me? was it a secret me??

When it came up again during a small argument he said "good lord girl, what I wouldn't give to smack you on ass right now" and being the person I am I just blurted out "Well go ahead there He man!"

and he did!

Honestly, I was shocked
I never thought he'd do it.

He really did it. He pulled me over his leg and swatted me a few times over my pants and set me back up.

I felt like laughing, and crying at the same time. It really didn't hurt, but it was more the action of it. Going over his leg maybe?
and I felt weird about it and almost electrified at the same time.

All in all it eventually came down to me really thinking about why he would want to do that in that way. What was it about me and how I spoke to him that made him want to? well, the answer was clear. I was a bully a bit. I was also a very strong speaking girl who dismissed him a lot. I began to feel bad about it.

It took another few months for me to investigate submission after I read a bit about spanking online.
What is submission, why submit?
Of course I was curious and had read some sites about spanking, then I found people talking about submission, D/s, and more and then, well, you all know the whole of blog land once you find one thing, it leads to another.

So we spent this past four year actually experimenting what we think we want our relationship to be and or incorporate. A whole mess of things and lots of talking when we first started playing around with ideas.

After reading loads of blogs and lurking, it seemed I needed a place to write about not only everything that led us here, but most importantly, my fall from our perfect playing field.

One of the biggest hurdles for me coming out to blogging is because I feel like I'm almost opposite from many blogs I read and I feel really out of place like I won't be accepted.

Here I have an admitted spanko so to speak hubby, and I as well, but I am now lost not knowing what I want.

He knows what he wants. He want to smack my butt in play and not in play. He says he just loves it. He likes it in all aspects and he loves me and loved when I let my guard down to him. I know he misses it since I put an end to some things now.

I'm really just confused why I suddenly didn't want to.

Is it me? is it life? It's as corny as the song "you've lost that loving feeling"

Is it because I'm going through something personal?
Is it because I tried to tie him into begin perfect himself and resenting him when he wasnt?
Has life, kids, household problems just gotten to me?

Some days I don't know but I've really lost a connection and I just don't even know where to begin because I feel off in my own feelings.

Anyways, that's the big jest of this all and my blog.
I feel really wishy washy about it right now!