Kindness

I would like to thank everyone for their comments.
I love how not only reading blogs, but also writing one now is giving me feedback and things to think about.
I really appreciate that people took the time to offer advice and send off a comment! Thank you!

Lillyanna Rose had a great question I hadn't really thought a lot about because I just figured I was perfectly fine with whatever our arrangement was. We just sort of blended into this whole thing.
She asked "Do you want spanking for play and punishment. Is the inconsistency with punishment?"

When I sat alone and really thought about it, I do like and I am ok with being involved with both play and punishment, but as I read another comment (from Jan) asking me if I was a spanko as well my mind was going in all directions!

So, yes, we originally came together in sort of a playful and fetish sort of way, and experimented more with punishment second hand, and I realized that the punishment aspect is where to consistency got lacking.

I have a hard time explaining it, but I think you might understand the need for it as I have found. I sort of feel grounded by it, released by it, and sometimes validated by it. Is that nuts? I feel like if I'm off kilter, and I'm rude or bossy, snippy or disrespectful and any type of out of sorts, it's setting me right again. Does that make me a spanko in two senses? I guess it's where I get confused because besides liking it for that, thre are times in fun where I just like it all around!

I never thought I needed it until it wasn't happening and or was not consistent.

So explaining that all to my husband was in fact admitting that I was asking for it. eek! kinda had my stomach in knots there

I felt like I was asking him to spank me in a more serious tone, which he is only more then happy to do, but lack consistency in.
He said he totally gets it, and that he was sorry because he did in fact just like doing it in general. Little playful slaps here and there and fun spankings and will give more thought to how ones involved in punishment would be handled.
We will soon be discussing maintenance as also suggested.

in all I'm very thankful I've written everything out and I feel like the biggest weight is ever so lifted from my back.
Ttwd is all so very different isnt it? Roz had pointed out we each have a different journey and communication is the key - It is isn't it, why is it so hard to just talk sometimes. I need to just bully up and do it ,get my thoughts out and I'd have less of these mind breaking days thinking I'm crazy.


Thank you all for your helpful comments and advices while I'm breaking into this whole blogging thing.

Time for talk

Well, We finally had a bit of time for talking and some of the best news besides just being able to talk is that I figured out my distaste for whatever it was that was going on.
We seemed to be on this ongoing cycle and I felt like it was just too many ups and downs all the time. I think over a bit of time the consistency and life's ups in downs with not only ourselves, but with how ever we conducted our relationship really got to me and so I became adverse to the whole thing.

When it comes down to it, I believe consistency really is a turning point for me.
My husband while a spanko, is very all over the place with consistency. I know I'm not the best at staying on top of things myself, but when I get set in a way, I try to make sure I'm pulling my end and feel discouraged a bit when it's not equal.

Reading other blogs, I know that lots of people have consistency issues. I never really thought too much about the ways it affected me and how I felt about everything until I really looked at specific times I felt put off and realized what it was exactly.

He wants to to do it for pleasure and punishment. I agreed that I could handle the two, but what is hard is being consistent on both of those areas. I know that's probably a lot to handle for anyone.

Talking helped for sure. He agrees that there must be balance. I'm a creature of habit. If something is one way for weeks at a time, I get off center when it suddenly goes away. He gets it and now I get why it's hard for him sometimes. He really helped me see he doesn't mean to be inconsistent, but it does happen when other things get in the way.

For now we have an agreement to both try on each end and we agree that we have to make time for talking no matter who's working when and how busy life gets.

I'm looking forward to see where that will lead, but also a bit nervous!