Kindness

I would like to thank everyone for their comments.
I love how not only reading blogs, but also writing one now is giving me feedback and things to think about.
I really appreciate that people took the time to offer advice and send off a comment! Thank you!

Lillyanna Rose had a great question I hadn't really thought a lot about because I just figured I was perfectly fine with whatever our arrangement was. We just sort of blended into this whole thing.
She asked "Do you want spanking for play and punishment. Is the inconsistency with punishment?"

When I sat alone and really thought about it, I do like and I am ok with being involved with both play and punishment, but as I read another comment (from Jan) asking me if I was a spanko as well my mind was going in all directions!

So, yes, we originally came together in sort of a playful and fetish sort of way, and experimented more with punishment second hand, and I realized that the punishment aspect is where to consistency got lacking.

I have a hard time explaining it, but I think you might understand the need for it as I have found. I sort of feel grounded by it, released by it, and sometimes validated by it. Is that nuts? I feel like if I'm off kilter, and I'm rude or bossy, snippy or disrespectful and any type of out of sorts, it's setting me right again. Does that make me a spanko in two senses? I guess it's where I get confused because besides liking it for that, thre are times in fun where I just like it all around!

I never thought I needed it until it wasn't happening and or was not consistent.

So explaining that all to my husband was in fact admitting that I was asking for it. eek! kinda had my stomach in knots there

I felt like I was asking him to spank me in a more serious tone, which he is only more then happy to do, but lack consistency in.
He said he totally gets it, and that he was sorry because he did in fact just like doing it in general. Little playful slaps here and there and fun spankings and will give more thought to how ones involved in punishment would be handled.
We will soon be discussing maintenance as also suggested.

in all I'm very thankful I've written everything out and I feel like the biggest weight is ever so lifted from my back.
Ttwd is all so very different isnt it? Roz had pointed out we each have a different journey and communication is the key - It is isn't it, why is it so hard to just talk sometimes. I need to just bully up and do it ,get my thoughts out and I'd have less of these mind breaking days thinking I'm crazy.


Thank you all for your helpful comments and advices while I'm breaking into this whole blogging thing.

Time for talk

Well, We finally had a bit of time for talking and some of the best news besides just being able to talk is that I figured out my distaste for whatever it was that was going on.
We seemed to be on this ongoing cycle and I felt like it was just too many ups and downs all the time. I think over a bit of time the consistency and life's ups in downs with not only ourselves, but with how ever we conducted our relationship really got to me and so I became adverse to the whole thing.

When it comes down to it, I believe consistency really is a turning point for me.
My husband while a spanko, is very all over the place with consistency. I know I'm not the best at staying on top of things myself, but when I get set in a way, I try to make sure I'm pulling my end and feel discouraged a bit when it's not equal.

Reading other blogs, I know that lots of people have consistency issues. I never really thought too much about the ways it affected me and how I felt about everything until I really looked at specific times I felt put off and realized what it was exactly.

He wants to to do it for pleasure and punishment. I agreed that I could handle the two, but what is hard is being consistent on both of those areas. I know that's probably a lot to handle for anyone.

Talking helped for sure. He agrees that there must be balance. I'm a creature of habit. If something is one way for weeks at a time, I get off center when it suddenly goes away. He gets it and now I get why it's hard for him sometimes. He really helped me see he doesn't mean to be inconsistent, but it does happen when other things get in the way.

For now we have an agreement to both try on each end and we agree that we have to make time for talking no matter who's working when and how busy life gets.

I'm looking forward to see where that will lead, but also a bit nervous!

Limbo

Well, not much has gone on in the past week or even weekend.
I found myself lurking again and I think I'm a much better reader and head nodder then I am at blogging.

I think it's hard to blog on anything but a laptop for one. I like reading blogs and books on my tablet, but writing on one is just horrible.

I'd much rather write on a laptop! I also like reading in bed, which at times I fall asleep so I cant even imagine composing a blog in bed. ha ha

I also haven't had one moment to myself to think let alone blog. I guess it's just a crazy spring. Work is really busy for both my husband and I.

We still havent had time to talk and now we have even more activities now that it's spring. It's soccer season, baseball season, and being outside in general season around here now with the weather becoming warmer. Yard work has even gone by the wayside.

and our relationship is the work sort of work that needs tended too. Sometimes I think I'd rather do yard work.

I guess this blog is almost like a place holder in my life. Maybe this week will be some time for even just mapping out my thoughts?

I could make a list or maybe jot things down as they come to mind? Sometimes I feel like I shirk off my feelings and just get through the day because I can't be bothered. I think it's either a limbo or a survival mode.
hopefully I have time to even construct a list and maybe if I post it, I can think about each point. Maybe even email it to him.
I know he has things he wants to tell me, but is holding back, so email could be a way to open up.
He's really been saying how he feels like a good spanking can cure all, but I can't wrap my head around it right now.

for now, there's work and kids and a big pile of laundry and 101 activities to get to. I can't even think about getting is all back into ttwd.
Is it what he wants? I want ? What do you do when one person no longer feels that same way? or maybe does, but doesnt or maybe the person has NO idea what they want?

Whatever it is, I'm the lost one. He knows exactly what he wants. :(

Lost that lovin feeling?

I never know where to start with writing, but I have to say this blogging is turning out to be like my love life.

I have things I want to get out, things I want to say and or describe, but then I end up just stuffing them away and dealing with whatever else is going on in my life and paying no mind to them until it's too late or I just become numb to the thoughts or feelings.

I feel like there's never a good time to talk, and there's never going to be a good time to talk.

The past few weeks all free time was either kids, taxes, schooling or talks of other plans that need sorted out as things are coming up.

When I think of the list of things that need done, sometimes it seems like our relationship is not as important and I just keep telling myself we will survive and come together when all of this other stuff is out of the way.

I know that's not true though.

I know in the back of my mind that we need to sort US out and it's every bit as important.

Some matters are just too pressing though before we can get to us.

Kids, illnesses, work situations and family are all on overload right now.

I feel like wanting my relationship to go back to being a certain way is selfish during this time.

I also feel stuck.

If I do find time to talk, and we start things back up that leads to a good spot in our lives that also leads to once again, coming upon this dead spot.

So am I avoiding talking because I hate getting my hopes up only to be let down again?

it's not him, it's not me, it's US and it's life.

We both drop the ball but it seems like I'm always the one picking it up and saying "Hey! we dropped this ball do you want to play with it again or not"?

and of course, he will but he wants to play on what I call "man terms" which is, when it's convenient for him and not US.

So am I saying consistency is an issue in our relationship?

Yes, to a point, but I feel that it's almost expected by now because in all things consistency is sometimes an issues and you always have to start again, or remind yourselves to pay attention to whatever it is to be back on track.

Maybe I'm just lazy?

Maybe he's lazy?

Maybe life is too crazy?

I don't know. I'm just here in the middle looking at both sides I guess. Go on? go back, go forward? It's more like going round and around.

Talking about it all seems to be the only way out for awhile, but then what?

Back to the old in a year or so. I guess I should enjoy the good while it lasts. I'm just tired of being the one to say "hey we need to sort this out again".

Spanko?

Finally a title that's short and sweet.

I think I'm getting better at coming up with them. I just tell myself to think of a quick summary of what is in your brain.
I guess it all boils down to who's the spanko?

What a fun term, one of course I learned on the internet.

Whatever it is that leads people to come out to one another in this whole thing is very interesting.
I have read a lot about how people have come out and the whys and whens.

For us it seemed to almost evolve over time, like a long time!

I should have maybe known, or maybe I did subconsciously know from the beginning. My hubby has always been quite a butt guy.
Lucky for me because I have a small chest while all the other girls in my family are pretty big. lol

From dating to marriage, he's always wanted his hands on my butt! and we have always had playful pats, sort of in a more joking sportsmanship way.

I think through sexual play is when the first bits of coming out happened for each of us.
He tried it, I didn't mind it. Secretly I was turned on but still never told him exactly how I felt. We were sort of shy with it when we were not behind closed doors in those early years.

I am assuming he felt the same and after 5 long years of marriage he finally mentioned it one day.

We had been drinking and singing karaoke and it was late, like really late 2am late.

We were cracking up over something and had been cuddling on a couch. We were sort of dirty talking to one another and he says something to the effect of smacking my butt because he could tell how much I responded to it when we did play a bit during sex.
Being in the state I was in, I wasn't as shy about it as I normally would be and admitted to loving it.

We played in our own way which was a bit of light spanking and fun during sex for many more years.
But these past five years are when we actually tried experimenting in other areas of play.

One of the aspects of ttwd sort of emerged because of how our relationship was going.
I was the dominant one. I made all the decisions, planned everything and took over.

I don't know what it was that set him off one day, but he told me he'd love to just spank me for something. I think it was my attitude about us going to the in laws? I mostly remember laughing at him and making a face.

That comment didn't really do much for us, but another year later it came up again during an argument.
I got a ticket for speeding and it cost an outrageous amount because I also was not wearing my seat belt.
He was pissed at the cost, and my negligence.

Again he brought up me needing a spanking.
I rolled my eyes at him and dismissed it, but couldn't stop thinking about it.

What would happen if I was spanked for something and not in a bedroom way?
It seemed laughable, but I was also intrigued for some reason. I never really saw him in that way. The idea of him being somehow over me in a way, a way that I would need and or craved him in a dominant light. That wasn't me, or was it me? was it a secret me??

When it came up again during a small argument he said "good lord girl, what I wouldn't give to smack you on ass right now" and being the person I am I just blurted out "Well go ahead there He man!"

and he did!

Honestly, I was shocked
I never thought he'd do it.

He really did it. He pulled me over his leg and swatted me a few times over my pants and set me back up.

I felt like laughing, and crying at the same time. It really didn't hurt, but it was more the action of it. Going over his leg maybe?
and I felt weird about it and almost electrified at the same time.

All in all it eventually came down to me really thinking about why he would want to do that in that way. What was it about me and how I spoke to him that made him want to? well, the answer was clear. I was a bully a bit. I was also a very strong speaking girl who dismissed him a lot. I began to feel bad about it.

It took another few months for me to investigate submission after I read a bit about spanking online.
What is submission, why submit?
Of course I was curious and had read some sites about spanking, then I found people talking about submission, D/s, and more and then, well, you all know the whole of blog land once you find one thing, it leads to another.

So we spent this past four year actually experimenting what we think we want our relationship to be and or incorporate. A whole mess of things and lots of talking when we first started playing around with ideas.

After reading loads of blogs and lurking, it seemed I needed a place to write about not only everything that led us here, but most importantly, my fall from our perfect playing field.

One of the biggest hurdles for me coming out to blogging is because I feel like I'm almost opposite from many blogs I read and I feel really out of place like I won't be accepted.

Here I have an admitted spanko so to speak hubby, and I as well, but I am now lost not knowing what I want.

He knows what he wants. He want to smack my butt in play and not in play. He says he just loves it. He likes it in all aspects and he loves me and loved when I let my guard down to him. I know he misses it since I put an end to some things now.

I'm really just confused why I suddenly didn't want to.

Is it me? is it life? It's as corny as the song "you've lost that loving feeling"

Is it because I'm going through something personal?
Is it because I tried to tie him into begin perfect himself and resenting him when he wasnt?
Has life, kids, household problems just gotten to me?

Some days I don't know but I've really lost a connection and I just don't even know where to begin because I feel off in my own feelings.

Anyways, that's the big jest of this all and my blog.
I feel really wishy washy about it right now!

Thanks and a Real Neat Blogger Award

I'd like to say thank you to Megan for offering to share my blog.

It really solidifies me stepping out from lurking in a big way but now I'm feeling a bit over whelmed and shy about blogging. Luckily I've been told that no one expects anything great and just to write for me, although I can't help to feel like I should step up a bit and organize my blog so it's running better. While lurking about I have seen many blogs and I made mental notes about how I wanted one to be, but it's a lot more work then I thought.

lol

I'd like to have better paragraph skills, not so poor grammar, an about me section, explain myself better as to what the heck I'm doing here. Oh and for the blogger part of backgrounds, I've found loads of them here on blogger in the advanced template setting and I changed the font. I sort of just chose a quick background and I'll have to play around with it more later. I went with a cutesy one for now with little birds on it.

Along with that I was nominated for the Real Neat Blog Award by Cali Mom at His Rib, Her Rock, and while I am going to answer the questions, I am not sure about nominating others because the few blogs I did bookmark and read, I have seen they have already done this Blog Award and I don't really know anyone else! 

I do lurk on a few others but I don't follow them yet and do not feel comfortable nominating.

But, I'd still like to answer the questions.

These were Cali Mom's questions:

1. Is there a particular song that always makes you happy and you just can't help singing along with - even when you come across it in the middle?

Well, I have to listen to popular radio or current pop music when I drive my tween around, so I've been subjected to a lot of that music these days and I do find myself getting into the Pharrell Williams song - Happy.

Now if it was me listening to my ipod or something then I'd have to say I enjoy singing loads of crappy 80s songs which could be too embarrassing to name (like when you just HAVE to sing along to "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley) :)

2. Was there ever a book that you unexpectedly stayed up all night to finish?

Oh yes, loads. Every Harry Potter book, Most recently Gone Girl, Game of Thrones books even though they were horribly long and wordy and made me fall asleep at times. Pretty much any book I get into I obsess about and finish off in a matter of days. I remember reading Stephen King's The Green Mile little series in days, I devoured them.

3. If you could have a wild animal as a best friend, which animal would you choose?

I would have to say a horse! I used to ride horses and have always loved them. Oh by wild I mean finding and taming a real wild horse!!

4. Would you describe yourself as an Extrovert or an Introvert?

Inside my head I'm a introvert. I worry and fret about hundreds of social situations, but on the outside I have learned how to smile and be talkative at gatherings and make my rounds... only go to home completely exhausted and wanting to drop out of sight for hours or days after!

5. If you could step into a favorite book or movie, which one would it be?

I'm going to have to be a bit of a nerd here and say Harry Potter. It may be childish, but I loved all those books. I remember the day it first came out and I was working retail at the time. I grabbed a copy and used to hide in the store room reading it and couldn't stop. My goal is to take the kids to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter  at the Orlando studios! I must go!

6. Is your idea of a perfect vacation exploring new things or relaxing?

Relaxing for sure!

7. Is there anything kinky on your bucket list?

Oooo, I don't know what to say here. We have been pretty exploratory in our relationship from the beginning, well, there is one thing I've never done before and that is played with food. 

Aside from all the other things we do and have done, we have never done that.

We have always teased about it, be it cool whip or chocolate and even gravy once(EW! and he's teased about bacon as well) and joked about using it on body parts. 

It's the one thing we've never done I think because all I can relate it to is making a mess where ever we are doing it and having to clean it up, and what if it gets places it shouldn't? :(

Well, those were fun and I really enjoy just lurking and reading other people's blog posts, especially the Q&A kinds. Thanks for nominating me!

Back and forth

I was blessed to receive a few comments on my last post.

That really made my day, I never expected anyone to read much here and I'm glad I found blogs to follow with a place to keep them instead of bookmarks. Having a blog is a good way to organize that.

I'm feeling loads more comfortable just writing today.

I found a blog about Blogger too!

It shows you have to change things and do a bit with fonts and such.

I really want to have time this weekend to play with it. I love designing, and being crafty so that will be like decorating my blog.

Ha ha I feel like a school girl making a collage on her notebook! I am seriously laughing at myself there.

Im my love life, my poor hubby and I just can't catch a break to talk about anything.

He has work, I work when he gets home most nights, we have loads of kids with busy schedules and I feel like we live in some sort of chaos at all times.

We need to have a big sit down. HUGE and talk.

I'm really feeling trapped inside myself and I just need to tell him how upset and out of sorts I'm feeling.

We need to also talk about us.

Every thing just seems up in the air and confusing.
So much so that I just want to ignore it.

And with all that ignoring and craziness and here I have forgotten about Easter until today when we talked about going to a church service..

I said is that THIS weekend?
I have nothing ready. No eggs, no meal for Sunday...

Guess I better stop blogging and make a big list.

Why is everything a whirl wind these days?

Since it is Easter and spring around my parts, these little buggers are all over the field next to our house. I'm going to put in a photo.
So cute but they love to eat my plants!

Happy Easter!